FINGER WANTS

Greetings and Salutations,

So apparently I just bought a ring on ebay. Well crap. I saw it there for forty freaking bucks and I decided to bid on it. What the hell. I figured someone would automatically outbid me. And then twenty minutes later I bought it for forty bucks. I'm so awesome and retarded all at the same time. But anyway, I'll probably either just wear it on occasion or pawn the bitch off.

Sincerely.

Also That Guy From Queer Eye, I Think. The One With The Nose?

Greetings and Salutations,

So I was looking online this morning and found that Tegan and Sara are coming to Atlanta in June. At first I was all "oh shit oh shit oh hell yeah." And then when I saw that Cyndi Lauper and B-52s and Regina Spekter were touring with them I was all "OH SHIT OH SHIT WHAT." And then I figured out the name of the tour, True Colors, and found that it was a giant gay concert with Rosie O'Donnell and then I was all "...oh...shit." I love gay people as much as the next straight gay lover, but wow. That's a lot of gay in one ampitheater. And for me to go just to see Tegan and Sara...damn. Tickets are really expensive for gay love fests. If someone runs across some really cheap tickets, you should probably let me know.

Last night Daniel, Cheryl, his aunt, and I went out to see his cousins' band playing. They were really good, and loud. But before hand we didn't really want to hang around listening to people before them so we walked over to a little grill type bar place I always loved going to with my dad. And so we walk in, the place is packed, and over in the waiting area is my dad with a woman sitting on his lap. What? So we went over and talked to them and he was all "bumfuzzled" as he called it. Hilariously awkward for him. And then we left and walked more and now I have blisters that I want to pop.

Sincerely.

The Value Of Coin Collections

...
I built a wall up over my back and my head. Somewhere inside that wall I had hoped it would protect. Protect what I've never really known. But when I see the white's in their eyes I tear down that wall. Crumbles from volition.

When that man walks by the street with that bony jaw and that stupid hat I think about telling him my life story. When he pauses to read the sign over my head I think about starting with "when my mother stopped loving me" or maybe even "when I ran away that one time." When I've come up with the best way to start my life he's already a block away. How it begins.

Coming from primitive man, I think I want to learn how to walk upright. It seems like something I'd be good at. But then, what good would all that self-doubt be? Maybe make pottery.
...

Find Something Lost Outside Your Window

Greetings and Salutations,

I had a dream about Brandon last night. That's only been I think my second one since December. It was vivid, but just a really casual, laid back Brandon. He was on Daniel's bed just hanging out and making fun of me for something. But in my dream I knew that he was dead. But he was right there and I thought to myself "Oh, that must be the other Brandon." Like there was an extra copy of him. There should be. Also in my dream there were these two mannequins (it took me far too long to figure out how that was spelled) who escaped from a museum and were hiding out in a shower stall and I found them and they were somehow alive and um, yeah. I don't know, but they were dressed as buffalo. Does this mean I disguise my problems, run from my past, and want to be a buffalo? I THINK CORRECT.

I go to work today. My Allstate Boss Man reminds me of Michael Scott from The Office. Wow. He tries so hard. He really does. Also, the only people who work in his office are attractive 20-something hot chicks. MAYBE I WILL HAVE TO FILE SOME SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Harassment isn't spelled like it should be spelled, or like I think it should be spelled.

Daniel just walked in and I jumped again. This is another thing. He RANDOMLY-ASS shaved his beard off last night. I got home from work and BAM HIS FACE IS NAKED AND BOYISH. It just looks...looks so... soo.. long. Like it grew two inches somehow. Also I can see his dimples better. I haven't seen him like that for nearly a year. But yeah, I totally offended him when I kept commenting on how weird his face looked. WHO KNEW THAT OFFENDED PEOPLE?

Sneezing. Sneezing more. Pollen.

Sincerely.


Buried in my yard
A letter to send to you
And if I forget
Or god forbid die too soon
Hope that you'll hear me
Know that I wrote to you

My Brother, The Dulcimer Man

LIST

Greetings and Salutations,

HERE IS A LIST. READ AND BE AMAZED.

1. I'm watching Ace of Cakes, awesome freaking show, with Cheryl and Daniel.
2. Daniel has been in the drawy artsy fartsy mood lately and the art farts are very impressive.
3. I'm going to the doctor tomorrow. I think I'm dying. Also maybe anemic. I WANT TO RIP THINGS OUT OF ME.
4. I know that was a horrifying thing to yell. BUT I DO SERIOUSLY WANT TO RIP THINGS OUT OF ME.... I feel so bad. :(
5. Daniel and his cousin are going to Wal-Mart to get shit to make fruity pebbles treats. Which are actually just as disgusting as they sound.
6. We're talking about Cheryl's cousin who lives in a cave.
7. I want something from Wal-Mart but I don't know what.
8. Penny Lane the female mini winnie dog has been obsessively trying to hump Ellie Mae the female chocolate lab all damn day.
9. SPRING BREAK WOOO SPRING BREAK.
10. What the hell do I want so badly?
11. OH MAN I KNOW WHAT I WANT. I WANT MANGO. I WANT MANGO. OH SHIT.

Sir, It Has Been Documentated

Greetings and Salutations,

So, I got a job Thursday. I am now a part-time sales rep for Allstate. I'm in good hands. But yeah, I answer phones and call on phones and sit there in my very own office and my boss is so adorable. He made bread in his bread maker and we sat there and munched on his very burnt bread. He said, "Technically this bread was done at 4pm and now it's 8pm. Whoops! I'll just put some more butter on it and you won't be able to tell." That's my philosophy too, Mr. Allstate Boss Man.

Now is the time that I will yell in between big chugs from my beer funnel: WOOOOOOO SPRING BREAK WOOOO! I don't completely start work till next Monday. So I'm off brain functioning for a while. We're in Munford for the week. Daniel and I are going to spend a few days in Hokes Bluff with my grandmother and aunts.

Oh, right, so it was our one year anniversary Friday. We slept in. We went to the zoo. It was fun but my camera shat out the two month old batteries twenty minutes in the park. Then we drove to Oxford and said what do you want to do I don't know what do you want to do I don't know. I really, really wished he had just planned everything sooner and we just... did it. That's all I wanted. But then for some UNGODLY REASON I had a complete hormonal break down and cried because I was so stressed out from the week before and apparently I do this with a bottle and emotions and what not and something about explosions. I suck. It's documentated (I said documentated and wondered why on earth the spelling check said that was wrong...) Signed. Licked. Waxed. Stamped.

But we came back to Munford and had an okay night after that. Bah. Tomorrow we may go up on Cheaha Mountain. Where we had our first date. LET'S HOPE I DON'T TURN INTO A WOMAN UP THERE EITHER.

Sincerely.

I'll Miss Your Face

Greetings and Salutations,

It was a sad night last night for the Consumating world. CNet finally pulled the plug, letting us know that we deserve a vibrant, more tailored to site. Consumating had gone slowly downhill since Ben Brown, the creator, left us for bigger and better things. There were a few people trying to keep up the site, but not doing a great job. Feedback Zombie wasn't even alive anymore, man. So last night we said goodbye.

Mostly everyone is really pissed about the site redirection to help.com (another lovely CNet social networking site, although this one is full of depressed fourteen year olds looking for answers to questions they should probably be asking therapists). I'm not mad so much as just sad it's gone. I wished it would've gone out with a little dignity, instead CNet is saying "Sorry we fucked up your site, but here... you.. you wanna cookie? It's sugar free, but just as delicious." I trolled help.com for just a few minutes and shortly thereafter was banned.

Ben Brown made a replacement site, Go, Team Internet! and some of the other Consumators made a replacement site, theNTSH. So now it's hopping from one site to the other to round up everyone I don't want to miss. I think I'm just going to fade out. I've gotten everything out of Consumating that I was going to get. I don't need it anymore.

I spent nearly two years of my life absorbed in Consumating after a wreck and probably some depression problems. I found that community at just the right time in my life. It's funny how many Consumators say the same thing or some variation. "It sounds lame, but Consumating changed my life." or "It has helped me overcome some things in my life I was dealing with." I feel like the ones who stuck around Consumating needed to be there and it was just the right outlet for them. I don't need it anymore. I bet I probably would have been a lot more torn up about this had I not found Milk. My Daniel.

One advantage to Consumating going tits up: THIS doesn't appear when searching for my name on Google anymore. Oh, thank God.

San Francisco Consumators gathered outside of CNet last night with candles and an entire bag pipe band to mourn the loss of Consumating. I wouldn't have expected anything else. Video here. Pictures here.

<3,

The Menda Agenda