A Plethora Of A Variety

Greetings and Salutations,

And now... It's time again for another episode of "Dear God, What's On Menda's Face?!?".

Guesses? Any guesses? No, nobody?

The correct answer is always -- SHAME.
Naked, cold, shivering SHAME. .. ..... .. ...
I went off my damn diet. :(

In other news, I found this picture of me and Daniel from our anniversary last year.


The events of the night (the zoo, the unplanned evening, the crying, etc) are recorded here. Sigh. I really hope this year's anniversary (coming up soon) will end in me being less of a hormonal woman. WE WILL SEE, WON'T WE? "Next time on: Will Menda Act Like a Woman? Stay tuned."

I will take the time now to promote the snot out of Daniel's new blog creation, Comics Closet. He combines his undeniable wit and intelligence with facts and opinions from all corners of Nerd Space.


After a full-on night of Hollywood Bullshit live from the Academy Awards (necessary for Daniel's Cracked's live blog duty), I thought I would tribute (the shorted)The Wrestler. It's a surprisingly well put together patriotic spoof of The Wrestler, featuring Uncle Sam and Lady Liberty. I find it deeply disturbing that Lady Liberty (Alyssa Milano) is a stripper down on her luck entertaining the men who have all the money. Shall I map that out for you?

"Alyssa Milano is to Lady Liberty as rich white men are to _______"?

(Come on, all you SAT takers)

China.

I WILL NOW LEAVE YOU WITH SOMETHING EXCITING AND REMINISCENT I FOUND FROM CLEANING OUT MY COMPUTER.

Oh Craigslist.com, You Complete Me

Every guy on here seems to think that he is God’s gift to mankind. Joe Schmoe posts on here looking for the brilliant, model, single, virgin, wealthy etc etc girl. Do you smell that? Cause its time to wake up and take a hugeeee whiff of that folgers. Regardless, here’s some of my commentary (taken directly from posts in Men Seeking Women).

“I am hoping to find an athletic, fun loving white female…” Ok. Athletic? So, should I like be on a team or something? Do you want me to be able to kick your ass when we wrastle? Fun loving? No…I hate fun. Fun is the worst thing ever. You try to have fun with me and the consequences will be dire.

“looking for friend with beniftits” *sigh* Where do I start, young sir? There is a section dedicated solely to you getting your johnson stroked. Its called NSA! And what “beniftits” were you looking for? Perhaps some spelling/grammar lessons? I’d be happy to tutor you. Maybe I’m viewing this entirely the wrong way? Maybe you are in fact extremely clever and were using a play on words? Benef-tits? I think not.

“im 6'4" 270lbs blk straight teeth” Black straight teeth? Maybe you should spend your time at the dentist rather than Craigslist. Or, use a flippin comma.

“If you are fake, I have no time for you.” Sorry sugar. But honestly, you don’t want to see 99% of the women out there without a little fakeness. Otherwise you’d slit your wrists. Everyone fudges the truth a little. *ahem* “No honey! You don’t look fat in those jeans at all…” Would you rather me tell you what I REALLY think about you when you come up to me at *insert random bar name here*? I don’t think so. BTW, you have spinach in your teeth.

“I am looking for a woman who takes care of her self” I would hope that would be one of your requirements. I can’t see someone asking for a woman who doesn’t shower? Doesn’t buy clothing that fits? Doesn’t pay her bills? I’m confused.

“i want to look into your eyes and tell you how much more beautiful they are than the stars.” Weed and Craigslist ads do NOT mix! Stop making me vomit. Punch me in the face or something instead…Jeez.

“I am looking to meet some one special that would like to start as friends and build from there.” Really? Because I prefer marriage immediately. F this friends shit.

“I also want to get to meeting without 6 mos. of useless messeges” Would 5 months be ok? I’m not sure if I’ll be able to tell if you’re genuinely not a serial killer until then.

“im only five eight 130lbs so no big girls or bbws” I dub this the ‘no fatties’ clause. Don’t you know big girls is [sic] freaks!?!11?! And eww, 130? I think my 95 year old grandmother weighs more than that.

“I am a spontaneous person so I like to do a variety of things” I chose to spend my day doing the same thing over and over and over again. Like washing my hands. It makes me feel better. INVISIBLE BUGS! For future reference: Spontaneous: happening or arising without apparent external cause (this does not mean you like doing a variety of things, loser).

“I'm 5'6'brown eyes,38 old,no child,but like.” Please press 1 for English. No child, but like. You are child-like? You like no child? You like children? Sorry, the subscription for my dumbass translator is expired.

“likes to be outdoors but does not mind stayin indoors sumtimes” Is that like, breathing or not breathing? I was under the impression that indoors and outdoors were the only two options that humans had. Again, confused.

“Not interested in …morally bankrupt women.” What if I’m just financially bankrupt?

Take some criticism and maybe you’ll meet that 21 year old model virgin you’re so desperately seeking.

The Minds Of All 13-Year-Olds Everywhere

(Thanks to Twilight)
Greetings and Salutations,

I've been having these extremely abnormal dreams lately that always seem to take a hard right on me.

See Here:












- Thanks, Twitter.




The dreams start out like any other normal night terror begins. I'm being eaten by a werewolf, I'm being eaten by a cannibal, I'm being eaten by a giant, etc. There's a pattern, no? Of awfulness.

Right in the middle of a nightmare, which is always extremely frightening for me (despite the content), my dream gets hurled into this sexy, provocative, insane porno dream. Instantly the dream soundtrack becomes famous porn background music, with such acclaimed tracks as "Bow Chicka Wow wow" and "Ooonts ooonts ugghh ugghh ooonts."

Conclusion:
Wolfman really does have nards. :(

I really want to know what this means for me and my dream life/sex life.

I'm also sick again. So, big freaking brilliancy there.

A Very Domo Picture Story

Me and my Domo on Valentine's Day

What's this? An intruder?

An adorable intruder!

We are a multiracial family now!

Okay, so maybe I made them have sex a bit.

I'm afraid we underestimated the level of Domo here.

Please...Send.....Help..

Remember me... As bones...
AAAAUUGGHHH

Damn you Domo-kuns.

Actor Tantrum

Dude, Batman's kind of a dick.

Satsuma Update

Greetings and Salutations,

In my blogging absence, I silently hoped that everyone who one day would then be reading this now had a wonderful holiday then.

In other news, life is too complicated for complete thoughts, so a list will suffice.

-Circuit City went to Hell, meaning Daniel lost his job
-Christmas was not as horrible this year, but it certainly wasn't noteworthy
- Oh wait, we got a Wii. It's a Wii bit noteworthy
-Daniel's mom got into a car wreck a few weeks ago
- Still with a broken foot she managed to balloon her bladder to three times its size
- We are going back to his family's town for the week for obvious reasons
- I have discovered my love of Daniel cleaning
- Celebrated my ass off for Obama and his adorable family
- We have forged our way through piles of RiffTrax
- Super let down with Super Paper Mario. Take something original and make it common
- My official review of United States of Tara: John Corbett is so hot
- Apple Turnover yogurt is better than I was expecting
- Daniel's mom and her giant bladder screwed up my birthday plans for Daniel
- The cleavage is attacking

So there is the low-down, the skinny, the noise from the dumpster.



And if for any reason you, the viewer, the reader, the legend, have forgotten exactly what my face looks like or even if you don't fully appreciate the acclaimed wide range of funny faces, I provide a due picture.

Do keep in mind that prolonged exposure to my face has had rare and centralized reactions. Researchers have studied the affects this exposure has on the male anatomy quite closely, and have concluded that it will subside after you whack it a couple times.

I never really vocalized my opinion on my blog about the new newcomer Matt Smith to Doctor Who. I was not in a very bloggy mood for a while, being busy with things aside from the internet.

He's young? Yes, he's young. He has emo gay hair? Yes, he does. Did he fake bang Billie Piper? Hell yes he did.
Can he do it? That's the real question. Yes, I believe so. With the amazing team that Russell T. Davies built and the amazing team Steven Moffat will build, he can't fail unless he mercilessly tries to fail. They are going to mold him into that recognizable Doctor all fans can grow to love and look forward to. It may take some time, though.



I sure am going to miss David Tennant. You know, he was my first Doctor in a weird stupid way. I was up late one night and grabbed the closest box set of shows I could find and came in at the middle of the second season. Needless to say, "What the fuck is this? A satsuma, really?"

Oh my god, I hear new RiffTrax starting up. Probably to Reign of Fire.

...Preparing myself for many naked bongo jokes to come...